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How to become a rich fake Indian godman?

Oped

How to become a rich fake Indian godman?

How to become a rich fake Indian godman?

Hanuman Yadav

India has an enduring fascination with ‘Godmen’, or for a change, ‘Godwomen’. These Charismatic Gurus sometimes even claim to have supernatural and extraordinary powers. It is a career that will stay for a lifetime without the hassles of saving, investment and retirement planning. AND you will get the money, the fame, the women, and the praise, and everything that money can buy!

So here are 16 easy steps to become a Fake Indian Godman:

Disclaimer: These are just steps to be followed to be added with your luck and calibre. So don’t blame me if you fail, it must be because you haven’t ‘Got it in you’.

  1. Take on a really long, Godly, fancy name for your new Avatar.The bigger the better. So if you were Sunny, you are now Swami Sri Parampita Sunny Gurudev Mangalkarta Prabhu.
  1. Also, rename your devotees: Your friend Amit becomes Jai Sri Amit Ji, and the glamorous girl next door Maya becomes Janani Sri Maya. It’s all the play of words, you see.
  2. Shop and get all the saintly and gaudy things you see. Some White, ‘Bhagwa’, or Red Clothes, a Rudraksha mala, a thousand finger rings, and pretty much anything that not at all goes, or doesn’t go with each other will work!
  3. If you’re a woman, wear 2 tonnes of red lipstick and a tilak on your forehead, and if you’re a man, even a big smile will work wonders.
  4. Men, Grow your hair really long, as long as you can. Grow just as long mustache and beard to complete the look.
  5. Keep two-three permanent customers… Oops! Devotees…with you (Even better if they’re women), and train them to make a big deal out of whatever you do or say, to help the larger population follow the lead.
  6. Be noisy about your Godly status: Speak out. A lot. Self-publicity is the best thing in this business.
  7. Switch the tone of your voice to a heavy, intense and engaging one, all at the same time, and at all times, as if you’re the only serious man on planet earth.
  8. Preach, preach a lot, what you would never practice, always keep smiling, and let them know how they’ll be benefited by listening to them. Make them your fans, and see the magic!
  9. Inventing your own little catchphrase, like “Prabhu Kripa Karein”, will be magical for your business.
  10. Open your own Ashram. Dig a hole at some random place, hide a deity’s idol in it, and one fine day, suddenly wake up to realize (and broadcast) that God wants you to make a place for his worshippers at that place!
  11. Every once in a while, hold Pravachansand earn from the super expensive tickets, for your darshan, from your bhakts (followers).
  12. Attract the media. Do something every now and then, which keeps you famous, by any means. If nothing comes to your mind, occasionally get struck by a flash of divine lightning and behave as if you got some new message from God!
  13. Whenever someone tries to bring your reality to light, cry, cry like a baby, revive your image – “I’m pure and pious”, “Mujhe to Bhagwan Ne Kaha Hai Bhalai Karne Ko” “Bhagwaan Tumhe Satbuddhi De!”
  14. Give your divine love to your innocent bhakts every now and then so they’re happy with you and never question your divine power.
  15. AND the mother of all Godman Acts, act like you’re meditating when devotees ask difficult questions. Think a lot. And if you still don’t know what to say, just roll your eyes, look into the blue, and tell them, “Prabhu Kripa Karenge”. AND, keep an eye on the hidden cameras, if you know what I mean…

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